For the One Who's Having the Time of His Life

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: 'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?

You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart.

To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.

Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust i.e. trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ';. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and selfâ€' absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse' If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.

The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, notâ€'going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones don't appreciate you?

Which ones make you feel good, praises you, boosts you with loving and caring words or annotations.

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life'; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,etc.)

7. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

8. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

9. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

10. CONCERN AND CARE FOR YOUR LOVER IN YOUR OWN WAYS.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

*taken from an email i received recently.

Tips On Eating and Diet

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Tersebutlah Kisah...

Sudah lama aku meninggalkan warkah elektronik aku ini usang dari catitan catitan aku. Kehidupan di kala ini agak pantas. Siang berganti malam berlalu dengan begitu pantas. Aku adakala sibuk mengejar tanggungjawab aku di pejabat, dan kadang kadang masa yang terluang aku mengqada'kan tidur aku yang tidak pernah cukup.

Di kala ini, banyak benda yang telah berlaku, namun di antara semua itu, ada sesuatu yang aku ingin utuskan. Perkara ini sudah lama berlaku, adakala timbul, adakala ianya tenggelam. Aku ingin memperihalkan tentang kepentingan harmoni di dalam sesebuah institusi.

Sudah tersedia maklum bahawa peel manusia memang berbeza di antara satu sama lain. Ada yang unik, ada yang membosankan, ada juga yang menjengkelkan. Sedar tidak sedar, ada di antara perangai kita yang tidak begitu disenangi oleh rakan rakan sendiri. Kadang kadang aku juga berkelakuan sombong, adakala anda mungkin terlalu sinis, dan ada juga yang tidak sedar bahawa diri anda adalah sebenarnya baran.

Di sini ingin aku nyatakan bahawa sikap toleransi sudah lama wujud di antara kita. Tidak mungkin kita mampu bertahan berkawan sebegini lama sekiranya kita tidak mampu untuk bertoleransi sesama manusia. Namun, ingin aku nyatakan di sini bahawa ada segelintir di antara kita yang sangat suka memperendahkan toleransi yang diberi. Tidak kah anda dapat merasakan, yang kadang kadang tidak ada sesiapa yang menegur anda? Atau tidak ada yang menjemput anda untuk minum petang? Atau sedar tak sedar anda hanya keseorangan di malam hari, di kala rakan rakan lain keluar untuk secawan teh?

Cuba anda renung kembali perangai anda. Kalau kita perhatikan, jurang perpecahan antara kita semakin hari semakin besar. Ini kerana ada di antara kita yang tidak mampu untuk menahan cacian cacian yang anda lemparkan. Ada juga yang sudah tidak kuasa melayan kata kata sinis dan pedas yang keluar dari bibir anda. Jangan biarkan persahabatan di antara kita terkubur hanya kerana anda tidak mampu bertoleransi sesama sendiri. Jangan ikut kehendak anda sahaja tanpa memikirkan tentang kepayahan orang lain. Hari ini mungkin hari anda, tapi esok lusa kita tidak tahu milik siapa.

Oleh yang demikian, kepada siapa yang sinis, kurang kurangkanlah kata manismu itu. Sesiapa yang terasa besar kepala, besarkanlah lagi hati anda untuk menerima orang lain seadanya. Sesiapa yang baran, sejukkanlah hati mu itu dengan benda benda yang lebih berfaedah. Sesiapa yang terasa dirinya lebih hebat, ingatlah bahawa kehebatan mu itu juga disebabkan sokongan padu rakan rakan yang lain. Sesiapa yang terasa, buanglah yang keroh. Sesiapa yang merasa, curahkanlah semula air yang jernih untuk orang lain.

Ini semua catitan aku di dalam warkah. Apa yang tertulis, hanyalah sekadar renungan untuk semua. Aku tak mahu ada nanti buku ruas terhinggap di muka. Ini nasihat aku untuk anda. Tak mahu terima, ikutlah akal mu itu. Kerana mengikut akal mu itulah, maka terwujudlah keratan ini.

* Catatan ditulis oleh kerana aku lihat, aku dengar dan aku rasakan ada di antara kita yang ditindas oleh peel orang lain.

Nur Kasih 2.0

Aku masih belum ke tahap obses lagi tengok cerita ni, tapi aku memang tertarik dengan struktur jalan ceritanya..

Dan aku masih suka nak semua orang perhatikan raut wajah Amina ni.. Perhatikan betul2..

Ni pandangan sisi Cik Amina kita. Waktu ni tengah sesi nak kahwin...


Ni pulak gambar dia dari depan.. makin jelas muka dia ni..

Ni gambar dia close up sikit.. heheh, kenal tak?

Nur Kasih

Setelah sekian lama aku tidak menghidap sindrom Drama Melayu, akhirnya aku dijangkiti dengan siri yang baru pula...

Nur Kasih

Mula mula aku tengok (episod 3) hanya sekadar menunggu masa nak main futsal, tapi entah macam mana tersangkut pula..

Aku you tube cerita ini, dan dapat pula cerita aku tengok dari episod 1.

Pelakon pelakon cerita ini boleh tahan... ada Fizz Fairuz, ada Remy Ishak, ada Dato' Jalaludin.. tapi setelah lama aku amati pelakon wanitanya.. akhirnya aku tersenyum keseorangan...

Kau cuba tengok siapa pelakon yang menjayakan watak Siti Amina.. :)

Kau MAsih Kekasihku - NAFF

Chorus:
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Engkau masih kekasihku

Tak bisa kutahan lagi angin
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Hembuskan sepi merobek hati

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Kutahankan rasa cinta ini

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Seumur hidupku
Akan menjadi doa untukmu

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Akan kuserahkan hidupku ini disisimu
Namun ku tau itu takkan mungkin terjadi
Rasa ini menyiksaku sungguh-sungguh menyiksaku

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